BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?