You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
english majors be like furthermore
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*puts cutlery down*
my astrological sign is a french fry
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.