My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops