This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
the short answer to this question
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??