OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone