I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”