[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.