Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
You Might Also Like
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.