It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep