When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing