Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma