Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
True?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.