I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
meanwhile over on facebook
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me