I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Yes, this is exactly right
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.