If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.