What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Ugh but profoundly
Beware…..
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.