Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
*puts cutlery down*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Who knew!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”