Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no