Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)