Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
This hospital has everything
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Otters drive ottermobiles.