Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“You’d better run, egg!”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet