Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A small tragedy.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I want what they have
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”