[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes