[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
first you must answer his riddles
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.