I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I just tested negative for patience.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.