My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.