this independent good boy don’t need no human
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
me and the Superbowl rn
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Bloody internet 😳
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]