Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.