Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.