Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Hot Hot Hot
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.