i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!