Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I only eat vegetarians.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me trying to “trust the process”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”