I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.