QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You Might Also Like
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO