When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy