When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
These are my roll models.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here