How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
LOOOOOOL
I can’t wait!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE