Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Oh the world we live in…
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.