Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!