Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr