“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”