my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.