Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Spa day..😅