I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!