Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
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[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hey Fugeddaboutit