1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I will never stop laughing at this
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.