I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”