the council will decide your fate
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour