my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“What movie?” 🤔
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol