If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The asteroid..
Clients after you give them your rates
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Worlds greatest photobomb
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
No. He’s not coming out to play
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..